[clears throat] Let me tell you why I can’t make it to your book launch tonight

Satire as PSA: Please, please send your regrets well in advance or the following morning.

I’m so sorry I can’t make it to your book launch tonight!

I REALLY was planning to come. Like, on my calendar and everything. In pen. Well, digitally. But it’d be in pen if I had a paper planner.

But it looks like I’m not actually gonna be there. I’m so bummed! I know your event is in less than three hours, but I wanted to let you know right away since I’m sure the number-one question on your mind at this particular moment is: Will my dear, dear friend (moi!) be there?

Something else came up, unfortunately. I’m not going to say it’s more important than your book launch, but it is the reason I’ll be somewhere else and not there. (Home, actually. I’ll be home.)

Surely this text will have the exact same impact as my actual attendance!!! (Photo by Bibhash Banerjee)

But I will be there in spirit!!! Literally, because the reason I can’t make it is that Mars is in retrograde so my motivation is super, duper low. But that’ll end in ten days, so maybe I can take you out for drinks to celebrate then? There’s a new bar down the street from me. YAY, YOU!

I know you worked SO HARD and you deserve every ounce of love and attention. (Not mine, I guess, at least not IRL. But I will be thinking of you from my couch as I watch Naked and Afraid and scroll TikTok.)

It’s also kind of cold out tonight. Did you see that Accuweather says there’s a 40 percent chance of rain? I don’t like those odds. It’s the atmosphere’s fault, when you think about it.

Yes, I could wait and tell you tomorrow morning, but I wanted you to know the second I figured this out. I can’t have you being like, “Where the F is she?”

And let’s be real, I could’ve told you yesterday or the day before that (or the day before that). But I was really hoping I’d summon up the motivation. Well, verdict’s in! I’m just not up for it. I’m sure you understand.

It’s not like this will be your only book event ever. I mean, how long could it possibly take to write and publish another novel? We’ll be celebrating again in no time. I’ll be there, promise! Front row, with bells on.

Have so much fun tonight! I’m going to be so jealous when I see all the amazing photos. I’ll be sure to study them to figure out which of our mutuals were there so that I can borrow their copy when they’re done with it.

Congrats, Babe! I can’t wait to read it. <3