If customers reviewed restaurants like readers review books
Some satire cowritten with my hilarious friend Leah Rowan, author of the forthcoming thriller MARION
I decided to go to this restaurant based on the sign on the door and the sign alone. Upon entering I saw it was Italian; I never eat Italian as I hate Italian. The osso bucco was divine. 1 out of 5 stars.
The chicken was tender juicy and perfectly crisp but something about it was just … unlikable? 3 stars.
I guess I just wanted it to be barbecue. A dish I did not order. 3 stars.
I wasn’t in the mood for pizza or meat so I ordered a personal meat lovers. DNF at 3 slices.
The chef seems like a genuinely nice person but they really just don’t know how to cook. I’m tagging them here in my review! #foodstagram! 2 stars.
I really liked this bolognese the chef made three years ago! And yet the cacio e pepe left me…underwhelmed? I was counting on the exact same experience but with a different dish using ingredients I personally like less. 2.5 stars, rounded down to 2.
It was probably the top salmon dish I’ve ever had but not the top salmon dish in the history of the world and all human culinary efforts. 3.5 stars
Ate every bite. Kept hoping I would suddenly feel differently about it, but I didn’t. I want my money back! 2 stars because it technically held my attention long enough for me to clean my plate.
If I had made the risotto, I would’ve added more salt and cooked it for longer. I have never made risotto in my life. 1 star.
I haven’t eaten at this restaurant yet, but I am giving it one star here so I can find it later. I’m aware there is a save-for-later function, but I prefer my system. I am looking forward to eating there. 1 star.
The worst meal I have ever had. THE WORST! The portions were smaller than I expected, the crab cakes were good but not great, the wine pairings were mostly fine but not totally mind-blowing, the salmon was slightly pinker than I normally like, and the lava cake came with whipped cream instead of ice cream. So, obviously, I genuinely cannot think of a worse dining experience in my entire life. I’d give it zero stars if I could.
I’m furious that this spicy dish had spices in it. I will NOT be sharing with my granddaughters. (Tho I must admit I enjoyed the spice level myself). 1 star.
It was fine, it just felt kind of like a popcorn meal. Which I guess I should have expected bc it was popcorn. Sigh. 3 stars.
The restaurant was not open when I tried to go. Really disappointed as I was looking forward to eating there. 1 star.
Shocked and appalled that the shrimp scampi had shrimp in it. I mean, I’m open-minded but COME ON. It’s like the chef was beating me over the head with it. 2 stars.
LITERALLY THE MOST AMAZING STEAK I’VE EVER HAD!!!!! I will be dreaming about it for years! I cannot think of a single criticism! 4 stars.
Further reading:
A day in the life of a reader who tags the author in a bad review
Denise, aka bookreviewmaven54, wakes at 7:15 and stretches her arms, refreshed. She taps her still-slumbering husband on the shoulder until he snorts and wakes.
 | A guest post by
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You're forgetting: "There was a stain on the front of my menu and the type was too small. Amazing meal. 1 star."
“The chef seems like a genuinely nice person but they really just don’t know how to cook. I’m tagging them here in my review!” This one really got me 😂