My author bios, rewritten for accuracy

Feeling foolish today for some reason...

It’s come to my attention that my current professional author bio is a futzed-with, Frankensteined version of the “about me” paragraph I included in query letters to agents back in 2016. It’s time for a rewrite, which got me thinking…it’s weird, right? Andi does not enjoy writing about herself in third-person. And there are no clear guidelines on what to include. Is mentioning my alma mater (magna cum laude at Northwestern, go ‘Cats!) too bougie? Does name-checking my home state (hello, Wisconsin!) sound too try-hard salt-of-the-Earth? Why is it weirder to include a cat than a dog, and how many adjectives is too many adjectives for one’s pets? Honestly, what the hell do you say if you don’t have a husband and kid with whom you live??

So I reimagined my former author bios, had they been accurate reflections of my reality at the time of publication. Enjoy and have a great week!

The Lost Night (published February 26, 2019)

Andrea Bartz is a former magazine editor who’s held editorial positions at a bunch of print magazines that have since folded, including Glamour, Self, Martha Stewart’s Whole Living, Natural Health, and Fit Pregnancy, so you can see why she moved into the ~much~ more stable industry of book publishing. This is her first novel and, if she’s being honest, she’s terrified it will be her last. She lives in Brooklyn, less than a mile from this new guy she originally had a really good feeling about, but then he was sort of weird and vague when she contacted him on Thursday, actually you should just look at the texts, here’s a screenshot.

The Herd (published March 24, 2020)

Andrea Bartz is a journalist who hasn’t actually done journalism in several years now. She enjoys yoga, hiking, and suppressing the gnawing terror that everything is riding on this book, which is especially unfortunate given that every bookstore on the planet shut down this week. She lives alone in a 380-square-foot apartment with three brown-tinged succulents and a bagged white mass in the freezer that’s either rice or shredded chicken.

We Were Never Here (published August 3, 2021)

Andrea Bartz is an author who has completely dissociated. Upon learning that this novel, her third, would be a Reese’s Book Club pick, she lost at least a quarter of her tenuous grip on reality. The week before, she had sheepishly asked her agent for an early release of part of her advance because her last book did poorly and its paperback publication date got pushed back several months, delaying the attendant payment. She does have a really cool cat now, though, to whom she considered dedicating the book before deciding that would sound kind of sad. At the moment, she lives in outer space.

The Spare Room (published June 20, 2023)

Andrea Bartz is in hiding. A New York Times bestseller, she has no idea what she was thinking when she wrote a polyamory thriller. Her work has been translated into more than a dozen languages and optioned for film/TV, which makes it all the wilder her editor let her write this weird, queer, spicy domestic suspense. Originally from Wisconsin, she currently lives in [REDACTED] with her dog, cat, and exceptionally patient girlfriend.